I love tuna salad. I could eat it every day, three times a day, and not get sick of it. I hope that conveys how much I love it rather than my propensity for compulsion. But anyway...while meandering along the high street with no particular purpose or destination in mind I decided to procure the aforementioned to satisfy my discontented tum and somehow, unawares, I ended up in the allegedly, supposedly, super-organic Whole Foods Market. One tuna salad and a poncy juice of blushing-passion-fruit! variety in hand I tottered down towards the checkout. When tallied up my victuals came up to some eleven quid and ninety something-pence. I scratched my head like a bewildered Buster Keaton and exclaimed: ‘That can’t be right.’ It was. ‘Alright’ I sighed, ‘Go sing a dirge to your superiors.’ He looked at me perplexed. ‘Go get your bloody manager’ I stridently exclaimed. The manager, some years in to his thirties, surveyed me warily and said: ‘What seems to be the problem?’ I explained and further added: ‘I think I’d like you to explain what makes your ten quid tuna salad different from the rest.’ He prattled for some time about farming, sourcing and ethical produce?! until I interjected with: ‘Your produce might be ethical but your pricing sure isn’t.’ He stopped, his face a giant marachino, and exhaled: ‘Please have the salad complementary of the Whole Foods Market stores.’ I looked at him, my eyebrows squared, and said: ‘No thanks; I’d rather source my food from elsewhere.’ I left the market thinking nay convinced that even if I had two million going spare I wouldn’t waste a pip of it in that old swindlers barn. Hmm...perhaps I should write to the barn's management suggesting ‘Whole Fools Market’ as a more appropriate appellation for their super-scam-organic enterprise because you’d seriously have to be a fucking fool to shop there.
