I have a very complicated relationship with mobile phones. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been without a fully-working one for several months to add to this I recently misplaced my sim card and had to ring up Three to get a replacement. They sent one out, albeit unwillingly. The bastard beastly cuntling doesn’t work.
Today I phoned up Three again already annoyed at having to do this. I went through all the usual bullshit, listened intently, burred and hummed and then finally said: ‘Any particular reason why the sim's not working?’ The customer service agent paused, then replied: ‘Yes. There is a technical problem.’, ‘A technical problem?’ I said. ‘Yes, a technical problem.’ He confirmed. ‘What kind of a technical problem?’ I asked. ‘A technical problem.’ He replied. And so for about ten minutes. In the end I lost my patients and said: ‘You better tell me when this mysterious technical problem will be resolved otherwise I'm gonna have your cock smoked like a kipper and fed to stray cats.’ Silence. A minute later, ‘My name is not kipper. My name is Kapoor.’

Priceless.