About a month or so ago I returned home from a jaunt to the local to find an unexpected parcel on my doorstep. Propelled by curiosity I quickly finger-itched my way inside and found a manuscript. Unsure of how to proceed I enlisted the help of Mr. Riskingham who advocated urgent action in a form of a missive to be dispatched immediately I agreed and then cajoled him in to scripting it for me. Below is the result of said cajolery.
Dear __________,
I apologise for writing to you direct but I felt you should know that I have mistakenly received the proofs of your latest book 'Even my Clitoris has Arthritis.' Clearly the Royal Mail is populated exclusively by idiots these days, as my address bears no resemblance to yours whatsoever. Neither does my house resemble yours, I expect. I am also 25 years of age and very easy on the eye. This cannot be said of you.
Even though I could have phoned up your publishers I took the opportunity to send you this letter to express my admiration for your work, despite the fact I have not read it. I am sure the _____ Prize still carries the prestige of old, unlike many other awards such as the Oscars [that cunt McEwan should never have allowed his twat of a book be filmed, let alone earn a nomination for Best Picture].
I cast my eyes across your proofs. I even made sure not to leave my mucky fingerprints over it. However I have to report that it is a terrible bore. I apologise for my blunt honesty, but I believe it is one of my best qualities, and one that is not shared by many in this bullshit world of ours. I thus felt a special affinity to you, a writer I respect and admire, albeit I had hardly heard of you before your tedious scribblings passed through my letterbox. What particularly impressed me is the way you received the news of your honour with aplomb, without fakery or flimflam. Perhaps this was merely a symptom of Alzheimer’s, but it matters not.
It is for this reason I include one of my stories, which I think encapsulates my world view. I hope you enjoy my scrawlings as much as I enjoyed yours. Which is undoubtedly not much, but at least I tried you old hag.
Yours ever so sincerely
Dolly Delightly
Of course I mailed the letter right away. Somewhat surprisingly I’m yet to hear from its recipient but one must surely see why Mr. Riskingham’s a hero of mine.
23/03/08 @ 21:45